As you know, Bob.

"As you know, Bob." Are you familiar with this phrase? We (agents and editors) use it a lot as a shorthand. It's a first cousin of a phrase that we're all taught beginning in elementary school: "show, don't tell."

One of many things novelists have to watch out for, when it comes to good ol' show don't tell, is not to drop in a big block of background information in one (or, heaven forbid, several) paragraph(s) of narration. You have to find more artful ways of giving your readers the information they need to follow the story. This is especially tough, as a number of you can attest, when you're writing in an "alternate world" situation like sci fi or fantasy, because there's so much worldbuilding that needs to happen. That's part of what we love about reading stories in those genres: the immersion in a world that's not our own. The staircases at Hogwarts move on their own.

But you as the writer put in a lot of time crafting the details of that world. You probably have a "story bible" that's longer than the manuscript itself, explaining all the nuances of how different the gravity is on the planet where your novel takes place. That's GREAT. As a reader and as an agent, I want you to know all of those things about your work. But what I don't want is for those details to get in the way of the actual story. I don't want the plot to grind to a halt while you detail the etymology of a word you made up. If I really have to know that in order to "get it," you as the author have to find another way to explain it to me.

(Likewise historical fiction: you've done an incredible amount of research to make sure your novel is as historically accurate as possible. It's easy to want to "get credit" for all that time in the library by shoehorning one too many facts into the novel. The story suffers.)

"I know," you're thinking. "I'll put it into dialogue. That way it doesn't count as a big block of exposition, and I've escaped the 'show don't tell' pitfall."

Well, maybe. There are at least two things you have to watch out for, in the exposition-as-dialogue scenario.

First of all, and this is kind of obvious, but based on some of the submissions I get, it's worth mentioning: you can't put quotation marks around a paragraph of exposition and call it dialogue.

Secondly, if you're going to put these details into a dialogue format, it has to actually work as dialogue-- meaning it has to consist of things that one character in the novel would actually say to another. This needs to sound like a real conversation. You can't have Character A feeding all the information to Character B, when Character B's part of the conversation reads like this: "Oh. Mmm hmm. What do you mean? Can you say more about that?"

And now we come to "As you know, Bob." This term refers to a specific subset of dialogue-as-exposition, where both characters already know all the information being explained to the reader. "As you know, Bob," points to a conversation that's really obviously fake: if Bob already knows everything Jane is about to tell him, why would Jane bother explaining it?

Does your manuscript bear signs of "As you know, Bob?" What techniques do you have for ferreting out those moments in your work? Do you have any pointers for providing those crucial world-building details in a more subtle and non-plot-derailing way?

Bio Critique #3: Jo Eberhardt

My apologies to all for disappearing! I’ve just gotten back from a week of traveling on business—and I was swamped for several days before that with trip-related details. I hate it when bloggers go on about the “guys, I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while,” but I felt I owed a bit of explanation for leaving our third contest winner, Jo Eberhardt, waiting on her bio critique for so long!

Without further ado, let’s jump in. Here’s Jo’s original bio paragraph:

I live on the outskirts of Brisbane, Australia with my husband and two young sons. My greatest ambition as a child was to grow up to be the lead singer of a heavy metal band. Sadly, by the time I was ten, the whole neighbourhood knew I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. So I took my love of entertaining and inspiring people, and turned to storytelling instead. Earlier this year I had a story shortlisted for the Stringybark Speculative Fiction Award and subsequently published in the anthology A Visit From the Duchess. Over the last two months, I've won two of Chuck Wendig's weekly Flash Fiction competitions, as well as this competition on your blog. I'm a member of the local Writer's Group, am an Emily contest judge for the West Houston RWA in the Futuristic, Fantasy and Paranormal category, and blog about life, the universe and everything at http://thehappylogophile.wordpress.com.

Overall, Jo, I really like this one—the “I’ve always wanted to be a writer” bit is kind of clichéd, but you’ve nicely turned it on its head a bit with the joke about wanting to be the singer in a heavy metal band (especially because it’s often unclear whether a metal singer can, in fact, sing!).

Generally speaking, you’re covering all my usual points here: where you live, your professional (writing) credits, your professional (writing) affiliations, a link to your blog, and a funny detail that gives me a stronger sense of your voice… and proof that there’s a real person behind the sometimes-dry details. This is a solid start.

Now, then, where to improve?

When I get a bio like yours, I often find myself doing a lot of googling to learn more about the credits the writer lists. It pains me a little bit to admit this so publicly, but I am definitely guilty of assuming that if a credit doesn’t have an Internet presence (no Google hits whatsoever), I, um, assume it’s fictional.

However, that’s not the case with yours! Here are links to Jo’s credits, for anyone who is less…what’s the word? DILIGENT, I’m sure that’s what you were thinking, right?, than I am.

http://www.stringybarkstories.net/The_Stringybark_Short_Story_Award/Stringybark_Speculative_Fiction_Award_2011.html

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/77531 (the anthology, on Smashwords)

http://terribleminds.com/ramble (Chuck Wendig’s blog-- I leave it up to you whether to point the link to a specific post announcing your contest wins.)

To sum up this point, which has gotten a little ramble-y, if you were querying me and included the links in parentheses after the description in your bio paragraph, I'd be grateful, and your chances of my giving your sample pages a thorough and careful read would go up.

The “life, the universe, and everything” moment: My geek cred is often called into question, with good reason, but I can certainly recognize this as an homage to Douglas Adams. Given your involvement with FF&P RWA, even without any details about the project about which you are querying, I’m guessing that any agents and editors reading your query are also supposed to “get” the reference here.

I have some concerns, though, about leaving this phrase in. It’s cute and it’s clever, but it also means that you’re encouraging any and all readers of the query to directly compare your work to that of Douglas Adams, who has more or less achieved nerd sainthood at this point, I’m pretty sure. The publishing industry’s full of direct comparisons to other people’s work, but we usually phrase it as “This Famous Book meets That Other Famous Book” or “will appeal to fans of This Famous Book and The Other Famous Book,” so that you’re never inviting a situation where you’re asking someone to decide whether your work is better or worse than the work to which you’re comparing it.

Your work may well be as good as Douglas Adams’s—and far be it from me to say otherwise!—but it should be the work itself which encourages this comparison, not the query letter. Yours is a very mild version of this phenomenon, but I can’t tell you how many query letters I’ve seen which asserted that the novel in question was better than Harry Potter, Twilight, or The Da Vinci Code. Seriously. I’m not paraphrasing here.

My best advice on how to fix? Swap out “life, the universe, and everything” for a line elsewhere in the query that says “my novel TITLE will appeal to fans of Douglas Adams and [this is my geek cred failing me again, because I cannot think of another example of humorous SF that’s not Doctor Who, which just seems like too obvious of a reference].”

Otherwise, if the novel is half as good as the bio paragraph, I think you’re in very good shape here.

Thanks for your patience, and thanks again for playing along with the contest!

I’m open to ideas for a new contest—should we do another writing contest (in these waning days before NaNoWriMo begins)? A randomly selected winner from comments? What should the prize be?

Bio Critique #2: Christi Corbett

I'm delighted today to offer my critique of the bio of our second contest winner, Christi Corbett.

Christi actually sent me two pieces: the bio paragraph that appears in her current query letter, in which she seeks to emphasize her "business and marketing" side:

I spent three years as the head writer for a weekly television show and have written over three hundred broadcast television commercials. My connections in the television industry will be helpful in publicity and marketing efforts for my work: I currently have interview agreements with thirteen television stations and thirty-two radio stations with a total combined audience reach of over five million.

And here's the bio she wrote for her blog:

From a young age, writing was an integral part of Christi Corbett’s life. It was a skill she further developed during her career as a television writer. Now, Christi continues to broaden her writing horizons with the completion of Along the Way Home, a historical fiction about the Oregon Trail.

After graduating from Western Washington University with a degree in Communications, Christi took a job with a CBS affiliate in the Creative Services Department. Over the years her lifelong love of writing was put to good use; in addition to writing over three hundred television commercials, she earned the position as head writer for a weekly television show. Furthermore, she was responsible for writing over one hundred press releases detailing the station’s various special events, community programs, and news department awards.

During her time with the television station, Christi was awarded with multiple American Advertising Awards (ADDY) and recognized by the March of Dimes with an award for providing “Outstanding Communications Support”.

Sharing the power of television has always been important to Christi, both professionally and personally. Through television station partnerships, Christi repeatedly managed advertising and publicity for large scale events with agencies such as The Salvation Army, the United Way, the American Cancer Society, and the March of Dimes.

Nowadays, Christi looks forward to putting her experience in public speaking and marketing to use during the promotion process of her novel,Along the Way Home.

Christi is a member of Willamette Writers, and also participates in a critique group.

Currently, Christi lives in a small town in Oregon with her husband, and twin children. The location of the home holds a special place in Christi’s writing life; it stands just 600 feet from the original Applegate Trail and the view from her back door is a hill travelers looked upon years ago as they explored the Oregon Territory and beyond.

This is a lot to take in, so let me say first of all, Christi, that I think you're right: the first one is too dry and the second one is too wordy.

Since you've given me so much to work with, and since I went into such detail about my "rules for bio paragraphs" in the previous post, I'm going to try a judicious cut-and-past effort here, to give you a sense of where I'd go with this.

I spent three years as the head writer for a weekly television show [CMC: name the show and the network! Local or national, this is a nice credit to have.] and have written over three hundred broadcast television commercials, for which I received multiple American Advertising Awards (ADDYs) and was recognized by the March of Dimes with an award for providing “Outstanding Communications Support.” I’m an accomplished public speaker, and my connections in the television industry will be helpful in publicity and marketing efforts for my work. I’m a member of Willamette Writers and a critique group, and I live with my husband and our twins in a small town in Oregon, in a house just 600 feet from the original Applegate Trail.

This final detail is a nice touch, don't you think? I love knowing about people's personal connection to their writing (Christi's novel is a historical about the Oregon Trail).

Christi, because you've already got a lot of other information in your bio paragraph (at least as rewritten by me), you can probably safely leave out the blog and Twitter-type info-- but make sure it's in your contact information at the end of your letter.

But to make some more general, sweeping comments about hypothetical situations:

Shoshanna (hi, Shoshanna!) asked in comments what I would consider a "good number" for Twitter follower purposes. I've been thinking about this a lot, because I hadn't tried to put an actual numerical figure on what I meant by that. But here are some of my theories:

-A thousand Twitter followers is a lot for someone who's never published before, or has "only" self-published, or published with smaller houses where they've never been assigned a publicist. I assume that with 1,000 Twitter followers, you've proven that you've got an interesting voice online, and that you "get" this particular social media venue.

-A LOT of bestselling genre fiction authors have between three and five thousand followers. If you're tweeting to an audience of this size, and a decent percentage (please don't make me define "decent percentage!") of your followers will buy your book, you are in great, great shape.

-If you have 10,000 Twitter followers or more, chances are you are a household name at least in certain spheres.

-The most Twitter-popular author I could find in my ~ ten minutes' searching was Neil Gaiman, with well over a million followers. Margaret Atwood has about 260,000. Joe Hill has about 120,000. Jodi Picoult has about 38,000.

Regarding your blog, if your blog is important or fairly well-known in one of the following situations, be sure to mention it in your bio:

1) you are a book blogger, who regularly writes book reviews or discussions about the publishing industry on your blog. You know you fall into this category if publishers contact you offering to send you books (via NetGalley or otherwise), or if your posts get picked up in industry link-roundups from time to time.

2) your blog has become an authority on a topic that's related to the book you're querying on.

Note: this is true even if you don't have academic credentials in the topic. If other people have come to consider you an authority on the topic because of your website, that is itself a kind of credential. If you're writing Jane Austen sequels and you're a webmistress on the Republic of Pemberley, for example, that detail is going to help sell your book. So mention it!

One more bio critique to go. Any questions or thoughts? Leave 'em in the comments!

Bio Critique #1: Ms. Snip

image (c) Kevin Connors. url: http://mrg.bz/xzy4w6

I'm experimenting with using images more frequently in my blog posts-- okay, ever. I'd love your feedback. Do you like blog posts to have a picture, always, or do you care? Is it worth the few extra minutes on my part?

Today, I'm delighted to say, we begin our three-part series of bio paragraph critiques, from the winners of last week's writing prompt contest. I'm going in the order in which I received these, so first up is Ms. Snip.

I've edited out some of the personal information, mostly for privacy reasons, but I hope it's still legible enough to be useful to everyone.

Without further ado.

[TITLE] is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in [Really evocative town name], Ohio and my debut novel. A native Ohioan, I grew up not far from [Really evocative town name] and the setting is largely based on my childhood hometown. I started out writing Appalachian ghost stories in high school, and was the editor of the school's literary journal. I now live in [City], Texas, where I work for a small, private university as a Residence Hall Director. I am a member of several critique groups and online writing communites, such as the [professional writers' group, details relevant to the novel but not to my critique].

Courtney's critique: You're doing a lot of things right here. I like that you open the "bio paragraph" with the novel's specs, rather than jumping right into the personal details. Based on the rest of your query (which I haven't included here, obviously), it's clear that you've got the genre right-- a plus. The length is also appropriate for the category.

From there, you launch into your personal connection to the story (good), a bit about your writing history (mostly good-- on which more below), and a bit about your non-writerly life (which I always like to see).

My main concern about this as a bio is that it's a little bit bland, and given the way you've structured the rest of the query letter (this is basically the final paragraph), that's not really the impression you want to leave me with.

Caveat: most of what I'm about to say applies only to novels.

I think there are as many "right" ways to write a query letter as there are agents to read them (we are a rather, ahem, opinionated bunch), but when I'm reading a query from a would-be client, I want the query letter to convince me of several things:

1. This is a book I want to read.

2. This is a book I'd like to sell.

3. This is an author who's got a great career ahead of her.

4. This is a person I'll enjoy getting to know.

I think you can tell from my list that the bio paragraph carries a lot of weight. So let's concentrate, for now, on #3 and #4, as they specifically apply to your bio paragraph.

#3 is covered mostly by your professional (writing) credentials: those critique groups and that online professional writer's group. These are good, but you can go further. Even if you're really, really new to blogging and Twitter and Google + and all those other ways of avoiding your WIP, mention that you do them in your query. I'm still a total n00b at all that stuff, but it's clear to me that if I kept at it diligently for a year (about the period of time it's likely to take a publisher to publish your book), I could raise my platform considerably, particularly on Twitter. So don't worry about your blog's clout or your number of Twitter followers or any of that stuff (unless it's good news, in which case YES MENTION IT).

You're not telling me that you blog or tweet in order to brag; you're telling me that because it's a shorthand for "I understand that I, as a 21st-century writer, will be expected to participate heavily in my publisher's marketing and publicity plans. I intend to be a Team Player in this regard, and I'm doing what I can to educate myself about social media marketing even before a contract is signed."

So that's #3. We know you have a blog, or you wouldn't have been able to participate in the writing prompt contest-- so go ahead and mention it even if you generally only post pictures of your cats. Because we all know how the internet feels about pictures of cats.

On, then, to #4. This is where I would put the detail about your adolescent interest in Appalachian ghost stories. (Can we talk sometime about how messed-up it is that "adolescent" is a derogatory term in American English? Because it is, it's messed up. I of course don't mean it in a derogatory sense here.) Ms. Snip, I think you've successfully walked a fine line here, offering evidence that you've been interested in writing (and in the paranormal) for a long time, without making the mistake I once saw in a real query, where the author told me he/she was 29 years old and had been writing for 24 years. Um...

I haven't read the manuscript, obviously, but one way I would tweak this is to say something like "Parts of the novel stem from a lifelong interest in Appalachian ghost stories, which I've been playing with in my writing since my days as editor of the high school literary magazine." (I ran the lit mag too! Nerd girl high five.) This statement, if accurate, is the kind of thing that would show up in professional reviews of your novel (Publishers Weekly, School Library Journal), and interviews with you after the book is published. It also hints at a body of source material that you can draw on for your future books (aha! we're back to number 3!).

I'd also try to work in one more detail about yourself. I can't tell you what this should be, because of course I don't really know you yet-- but if this were my query letter, I'd be trying to recapture the quirky, humorous tone you've used in the plot summary paragraphs of the query. (Which I haven't included here. Sorry, everybody.) You don't need big achievements or crazy hobbies, either. Something that ties it back a little bit to the novel would be nice. If I wrote a sports novel, for example, I'd note in my bio paragraph that the only "athletic" trophy I won in childhood was for a beanbag toss in the Brownie Girl Scouts. (True story. And don't think I didn't display that trophy proudly in my room for years afterward, too.)

It's not always about the "wow factor," in other words. Sometimes it's just about impressing me with the quality of your writerly voice.

If I get to the end of your query impressed with both you and with the pitch for the book you're querying me about, you've done everything right.

Up tomorrow, schedule permitting: Christi Corbett's bio critique. See you then!

We have a winner!

I'm delighted to announce the winner of the Query Bio contest (I need to do a contest to name my contests, clearly)!

And the winner is...

Oh, what the hell. I loved all three, and it's great blog fodder anyway. Everybody wins.

Here are the links, in no particular order:

1. Ms. Snip

2. Jo Eberhardt

3. Christi Corbett

Congratulations to all of you! Email me your query bio paragraphs (please put "blog contest" in the subject line) and we'll do the critiques on the blog next week.

(Aside to Kim: I couldn't find your post! Send me a link, or post in the comments, and we can do yours as well.)

Happy New Year to those celebrating! I'll see you all back here next week.

Reminder: today's the contest deadline!

Hi all,

Just a quick Monday stop-in to remind you that today's the last day to enter our mini-contest. Win a query bio critique, here on the blog, by posting a response to last week's writing prompt.

As with the previous contest, I'll leave the comment section for the prompt open until first thing tomorrow morning; assume that if you're able to leave a comment there, it's not too late to enter.

The original post (where you should post your contest entry) is here, and if you have any amazing stories from your weekend, I hope you'll share them in the comments for this post.

Happy Fall (in the northern hemisphere)! I'm off to have more coffee.

Writing Prompt and Mini Contest: The Best Money I Ever Spent

Here's another writing prompt for you.

The Best Money I Ever Spent

I'm really eager to hear what you come up with for this one, so let's do a MINI CONTEST: pursuant to this week's blog post about how to write a bio paragraph in your query letter, winner gets a bio paragraph critique here on the blog.

As before, post your response to the prompt on your own blog, and put a link to the post in the comment section below. Let's give this one a deadline of Monday, September 26.

Tell your friends. If I get at least 20 contest entries, I'll post my own response to the prompt next week.

How to Write a Bio Paragraph in Your Query Letter

I'm trying out a new technique in the blog post title today-- the "On" was starting to get a little cutesy, and maybe this will help SEO results, or something. (I have no idea what I'm talking about there.)

Ms. Snip asked a great question in the comments on last week's post about Brian's query letter: what do you put in a bio paragraph if you have nothing relevant to say? In Ms. Snip's case, she writes SF/fantasy/paranormal, but without any credits to her name yet, it's hard to come up with much that's really going be "pertinent" for query letter purposes.

You still need a bio paragraph, though. So what do you write?

Start by looking at your bookshelf (or the "About the Author" section of the book's page on the B&N or Amazon site, if you're a power Nook or Kindle user. [I have a Kindle but I am e-platform agnostic.]) What do your favorite authors in your genre include in their bio?

Brian Selznick's new book Wonderstruck happens to be sitting at my elbow as I write this (a carrot for finishing enough of my work-related reading!), so let's take a look at his bio. I'll skip the stuff about his Caldecott medal and other awards, since if you had a Caldecott to your name you wouldn't need my advice on what to put in your bio. But after the description of his books and awards, it says:

"He has worked as a set designer and a puppeteer. When he isn't traveling to research and talk about his work all over the world, he lives in San Diego, California and Brooklyn, New York."

If you know Selznick's work, you know the puppeteering actually is relevant, but in any case it's a compelling detail, don't you think? That's the kind of thing I want you to include.

I got a really terrific query last year which included the detail in the author's bio that she had attended clown college. No, really. It had nothing to do with the novel, but doesn't that make you want to know more about the author as a person? That's your goal. Get me interested in you, so I get interested in your work.

You're probably getting the idea that I want everybody to have something really out there or circus-related in their bios. You don't have to take up stilt-walking to impress me, but a detail that really makes you stand out in a crowd is a great thing to have. That pun in the last sentence was unintentional but I am leaving it in anyway. Sorry.

Other ideas: if your novel is historical fiction, and you have some relationship to the material (my author Pamela Schoenewaldt lived in Italy for ten years before writing the immigrant novel When We Were Strangers), tell me that in the bio.

If you're a member of a professional writing organization, such as SCBWI or SFWA or the Historical Novels Society or RWA, tell me that in the bio. Note that not all of these organizations require you to be published before becoming a member, so it can be a good way to underscore your ambition and your sincerity, as well as your professional commitment. It can also be a great way to find a local or online critique group of fellow writers. (Disclaimer: I am an associate member of RWA, but I am not involved in the governance of any of these organizations, and nothing I say here should be taken as an endorsement of any of them. Do your own research and make your own decisions.)

I mentioned critique groups in the previous paragraph. If you're a member of a critique group of writers in your genre, tell me that in your bio. The critique group says to me that you're serious about your craft. In the case of picture books, for example, I can't tell you how many queries I receive from people who made up a story for their children/grandchildren/kindergarten class and decided to publish it-- and all of that is great, but a critique group or an SCBWI membership would hint to me that the author has done his or her homework on what's actually selling in the picture book market right now. (The butterfly who learns to share her toys? It's been done.)

Do you live somewhere? Tell me that in the bio. If and when your work finds a publisher, there will always be a built-in local audience for the work. The local papers will feature you, the local bookstore will probably want to do a reading, the local writing groups will want you to come and tell them the story of how you "made it." Furthermore, there are several cities in the U.S. that are reading meccas, with a high concentration of book buyers. Seattle is one. New York is another. San Francisco, L.A., Denver, Portland OR, Atlanta, and Chicago also all make the list. It is no bad thing, from a publisher's perspective, if you live in or near one of these places.

About your pets and your kids: use your discretion. I think a lot of people really like this detail in their favorite authors' bios, because it helps to humanize the author in their minds, but I also think this can cross the line into weirdsville. I admit to shuddering a bit when someone refers to their "furbabies" (though I've always adored my own pets), and if I learned that someone had seventeen kids, that's probably moved me from "I can identify with this person" to "I can't IMAGINE" territory. I say mention it if you want to, especially if you don't have a lot of other things to say in this section of your query. But if you have a pet capybara, you better send a picture.

Please send me LGBTQ manuscripts.

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments on the headache post, guys; I'm going to try a bunch of that stuff and will report back on what's working. E., the no-caffeine thing is a good idea but I don't see it happening-- but we'll see.

I wanted to put this post up ASAP, rather than waiting any longer; there's an awful story going around the internet about literary agents telling authors to take gay/lesbian/bi/trans characters out of their novels. The link I have is here.

I don't have a lot of time today to get creative with this, but I wanted to go on the record as saying (and here I'm going to blatantly copy and paste from the link!)

I would love to see books whose characters are diverse in all or any respects, including but not limited to gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religion, disability, and national origin.

The words may not be mine, but the sentiments are.

I can't speak to the veracity of the story (EDIT: see link below), but I'm happy to say I don't personally know anyone in the business who would counsel such a change. The publishing industry is always struggling with diversity; it's an industry that tends to be overwhemingly white/European-American, college educated, East Coast (specifically NYC), and with a slight female majority. But that means that there are many, many points of view that are less familiar to the industry as a whole, and those points of view tend to be underrepresented.

It's up to all of us, whatever our part in the process, to work to overcome that. I hope you'll help me bring more diversity to the books that are published.

EDIT, a bit later: The industry is still swirling about the post I linked above; in the interest of fairness and not stirring the pot, here's a link to another blog post giving the other side of the story: http://theswivet.blogspot.com/2011/09/guest-blogger-joanna-stampfel-volpe.html

I still absolutely, really believe that the publishing industry needs more diversity, but I also don't want to get dragged into finger-pointing or anything of the sort, on this or any other issue. As a colleague of mine just Tweeted, one of the best things we can ALL do is to vote with our wallets. Here's a list that Malinda Lo put together of recent LGBTQ YA novels. http://www.malindalo.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/LGBTQ-YA-2009-11.pdf

The Query Critique, at last!

At long last, I’m delighted to post Brian Buckley’s prize for winning my summer writing prompt contest: a public critique of his query letter, here on the blog. (The delay is on my end, not Brian’s, I hasten to mention.)

Here is Brian’s letter, with my comments rather obnoxiously posted in bold throughout.

Dear Ms. Miller-Callihan,

You’ve spelled my name right and used my preferred form (Ms. Miller-Callihan). Ten points to Griffindor.

I've enjoyed your blog from the very beginning, but I never queried because you don't rep science fiction. Then you said "Send me your query letter," and my keen writer-sense just knew, somehow, the time was right. Here's what I've got:

This is funny and clever, but unless someone specifically encourages you to query them in a category they don’t represent, don’t do it. Still, I like the tone here; it’s confident and charming, and doesn’t read like a form letter you copied out of a book called How to Write a Query Letter. I also like that you mentioned the blog, as it shows me that you’re not planning to spam everyone in the industry indiscriminately. Telling the agent why you are querying him or her, in particular, is a good way to try to forge a connection. I’m more likely to put in the time reading a query if I feel like the author’s done their homework.

Petras Fairburn is clueless when it comes to politics. Too bad he's Emperor of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Witty and concise. The short paragraph is a great strategy here, and you’ve got me wanting to learn more about your story.

Petras didn't want to be Emperor, of course, but he has very persuasive friends. There's the Star-Witch, for one: the most wanted criminal in the universe, near-omnipotent and nearer-immortal. For reasons all her own, she befriended him way back when he was a twelve-year-old nothing on a backwater colony world. He didn't ask for a friend like her, but it's hard to say no to the Star-Witch.

A lot of good detail here, but I’m starting to worry that Petras is too wimpy or passive a figure to carry the story. Readers want active characters that do things, not characters to whom things just happen. You might be better off cutting this paragraph and jumping directly into a description of the main plot of the novel, instead—I feel like this is probably mostly backstory.

And there's Karmindy, his wife, whose sweet homemaker smile conceals the virtuosic mind of the shrewdest tactician in the Empire. He didn't ask for a wife, either, but it's hard to say no to Karmindy.

You’ve got a nice echo of the previous paragraph—“it’s hard to say no”—which is starting to give me a sense of Petras as a character. But again, I think this is mostly backstory, and you might want to cut it.

When Karmindy unleashed a plot to put her husband on the Gardenia Throne, the Star-Witch was only too glad to help. When it actually succeeded, they told him not to worry: they'd handle everything. He'd just be a figurehead.

Backstory. Combine these three paragraphs into one short paragraph—remember that we don’t necessarily need all the character names upfront. Just give me the barest possible outline of what I need to know.

Now Karmindy's dying of a ripgun wound, the Star-Witch has disappeared, and a quintillion human beings are looking to Petras for leadership. They certainly need it. The Empire is one stray shot from a civil war, and the Sagittarians – a billion-year-old race of reclusive, telepathic methane-breathers – seem less friendly every day. But worse than the Sagittarians, worse than the seemingly inevitable war, is the doubt in Petras's mind that whispers: it's impossible, you're in over your head, you'll never, never be good enough...

Some good world-building going on here. I like “quintillion,” I like “reclusive, telepathic methane-breathers,” and I like the humor of the twist at the end, that this is really a story about a character’s anxiety about his inadequacy. I’m still worried that he’s too passive a figure, though, so make sure you’re able to include something showing that he is in fact a hero (I assume this is the case?), so the reader knows this is a story that’s going to be fun to read.

With a novel, the query letter should read like the copy on the back cover of the book (or the hardcover jacket flaps). You’re trying to convince someone to read the book.

True confessions time: when I’m working with a debut author, I often crib heavily from the author’s original query when I’m putting together my cover letter to send to editors. I figure if the query was good enough to catch my eye, it’ll likely do the same for the editors to whom I’d like to sell the manuscript.

At any rate, Brian, I think you’ve got a lot of these details nailed, but I can’t shake the sense that most of your query consists of the things you think the reader needs to know before turning to page 1. Try recasting it instead like a movie trailer, where you’re giving away some elements of the plot in order to entice the reader. You don’t have to give away the ending, but you do have to give me a sense of where the story is going. Tell me enough that I’m eager to find out the rest for myself.

You don’t have a bio paragraph here, which I think is a mistake. Even if you feel like you don’t have much to say, I like to know if you have a blog, if you are on Twitter or Google + or anything else of that ilk, who your favorite authors in your genre are, whether you’ve won any blog contests, that sort of thing. Tell me where you live and one detail about you that would be fun for the game “Two Truths and a Lie.” This is a chance to make yourself memorable, to help yourself stand out from the maybe-100 other queries an agent gets that day.

The Counterfeit Emperor is science fiction, complete at 111,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Concise, detailed, a solid and professional wrap-up. Were this a “real query” to me, I’d want you to include somewhere a line like “Per your submission guidelines, I’ve included a synopsis and the first three chapters of the novel.”

Sincerely,
Brian D. Buckley

Mailing Address

Phone Number

Email Address

http://briandbuckley.com/

I’ve edited Brian’s personal details here (except his website!), but I always want to see all this stuff included. If I love your query, you want to make it as easy as possible for me to get hold of you to tell you so. Leave it up to the agent how to communicate with you; give them all your contact info.

SUMMARY: This is a solid query that could just use some fine-tuning. If this were a genre I know anything about (I admire SF but don’t get to read much of it), I’d read the first three chapters with interest.

Well done. Thanks to Brian, and thanks to everyone who participated in the contest! Let’s do this again soon.

New Year's Resolutions

School starts here next week, and even *cough* years after my high school graduation, Labor Day still feels like a new beginning. I miss having the excuse to buy school supplies. Especially pens. Are you guys obsessed with pens, or are you all devout computer-only types?

My all-time favorite is probably still the Pilot Precise (V5, black or blue ink), used in conjunction with a spiral-bound notebook, unlined, with paper thick enough that the ink won't bleed through. My thoughts seem to unfold differently (better) when I write by hand instead of typing. I often compose first drafts of my submission letters that way; it's as if my brain keeps up with my hand/s better when the mechanical process of writing is slowed down.

I'm a serious list-maker, as I think I've mentioned here before. I often have multiple versions of the list going in different places (not always a great idea) because I derive so much satisfaction from writing things down, but it's really not the same if I'm typing the list-- too sterile, and too detached. It's harder to remember the items on the list, too, somehow, if they're not in my handwriting.

Most of my lists are of the to-do variety. I'm currently experimenting with the Auto-Focus system, which Erin Doland at Unclutterer linked to a few weeks back. It's working pretty well so far, but I find I still need a secondary list of the day's "musts," to make sure nothing slips through the cracks. But I do like it, and it's worth trying if you are looking for a new technique for keeping track of all the different parts of your life.

But I also love making lists of other things, and one of the most satisfying (personal) things I've done in the past several years is to do the "101 in 1001" project. There's a link here to a fancy sharing website, but I just made my own without getting all high-tech or social media about it. Part of what the "deadline" did for me was to encourage me to make time for all the "someday" items on my list.

I'm sorry about all of the "unnecessary" "quotation marks" today, guys. I'll move on to the grocer's apostrophe in my next post, I promise.

Anyway.

I didn't come close to finishing my 101 in 1001 list, but it got me out of a rut, and reminded me that weekends are not just for laundry and the grocery store. I'm thinking I'll do the project again soon.

Right now, though, with the new school year upon us (or already begun, in many places), I'm itching for some New Year's Resolutions. Here's a couple of mine. If you're inclined to join me, I'd love to hear yours as well.

-Get faster at responding to queries, especially the ones that I'm excited about! Too often, I set aside the really good ones because it's easier and faster to deal with the quick no's.

(An aside: Jill Corcoran of the Herman Agency had a thoughtful post a couple of days ago about why she doesn't send rejection letters-- I assume she refers here to rejecting the initial query, not a manuscript she's requested from the author. I try to at least write a "this isn't right for me" form letter, so at least the author knows the query didn't vanish into an electronic black hole, but I'd really like to hear how you feel about all of this, being on the other side of the table.)

-Impose more structure on my work day so that I don't spend all day on email or phonecalls. Block out at least two hours a day just for reading, both client work and prospective client work. Get back to prospective clients while my thoughts on their manuscripts are still fresh in my mind.

-Find or DIY a notebook and pen combo that will fit inside my e-reader case, so I can keep better notes as I'm reading. Maybe then I can stop wondering what I meant by a Kindle note that reads like this: "I want to knww moe abt the crmny pls... also why j said hat in the last ch"

-Develop a more realistic sense of what can get done in a given week. Make a good list of the "musts," work through them diligently, and stop beating myself up about anything that has to be shoved to the next week.

-Twitter every weekday.

-Blog at least three times a week, unless I'm traveling. I am, as always, open to requested topics!

What's on your fall list? Tell me all your secret plans.

And the winner is...

So, out of fairness, I did my best not to look at any of the query contest/writing prompt entries until all the entries were in and the deadline had passed, and wow! There were so many great, fun, really creative entries.

Before I get to the winner, I want to highlight two other entries I really liked. "Honorable mention," if you will.

First, Allan Petersen's entry for prompt #4 (the worst smell in the world): http://elderswill.blogspot.com/2011/08/worst-smell-in-world-is.html

This is a clever, compelling concept that takes the prompt in a really unusual direction; given the framing of the story (the protagonist contemplates his own death), I especially liked Allan's use of first-person here. Trust me, you'll want to know where the story goes from here.

Next up, Chelsie's response to prompt #9 (disappear without a trace): http://rosehipsredink.blogspot.com/2011/08/response-to-prompt-number-nine.html

What I like here is that the characterization is so strong. Her use of language gestures at a lot of detail that isn't technically present on the page; I feel like I know these people. Her narrator and protagonist's descriptions and turns of phrase evoke a region, an educational level, a socioeconomic status, and a religious background. This is a character who's lost everything, including her faith, and again, I want to see what she does next.

*******************************************************************************

But for this contest, at least, there can only be one winner, so without further ado, here it is. Brian Buckley's response to prompt #3 (inside the last box): http://briandbuckley.com/2011/08/25/flash-fiction-marva/

Brian's got a really economical style with the worldbuilding here; a sparseness that really underscores the bleakness of this character's life. Without inventing a lot of new terms for the various castes of his world, he gives us a good sense of the hierarchy that's critical to understanding the twist at the end of the story. The "rule of three" is a classic for a reason: it's a great way to build suspense, and was used to good effect here. Moreover, the humor that comes through in that twist ending was delightful and unexpected, and the differentiation of the voice of the Empress from the other characters was the icing on the cake for me.

Congratulations, Brian. Email me (there's a link on the Profile page) and let's talk query letters!

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Thanks again to everyone who participated. This was a real highlight of my summer, and I hope it was fun for you as well. Let's keep the writing prompts as a weekly feature, and we'll do another contest soon.

Got an idea for a contest you'd like to see? Drop me a line in the comments section.

On professionalism and communication.

Disclaimer: What I have to say pertains specifically to the literary agent/client relationship. The degrees of formality are very different in different industries—and even in different segments of my industry.

We’ve had a lot of productive discussion in the comments (thank you!) regarding professionalism and formality in business relationships, and I thought it might be worthwhile to map out my own feelings on the subject.

On “first contact,” usually the query letter:

I prefer “Dear Ms. Miller-Callihan” for the first missive, even though I immediately encourage a first-name basis relationship as soon as I start corresponding with an author. When you first email me, you don’t know me or how I prefer to be addressed (okay, you do now), so it’s best to err on the side of formality here. “Dear Courtney” is a little too familiar in this context; “Hi Courtney” is MUCH too familiar.

Extrapolating a bit: I’d encourage you to address women as “Ms. [Lastname]” and men as “Mr. [Lastname].” I don’t know any woman in the working world who, at this point, would be offended by the “Ms.,” by the way, which has become widely accepted as the default honorific for adult women. My marital status is irrelevant to the work I do. So “Ms.” it is.

On staying in touch through the querying process:

Especially when you’re a writer who is querying agents and seeking representation, there are a lot of pitfalls regarding the communication. Is it okay to check in with the agent, and if so, when? How often, and under what circumstance?

If you’re querying me, I always want to hear from you, in descending order of importance, under the following circumstances:

1) if you get an offer of representation from another agent. Please let me know if this is the case, even if you haven’t heard back from me on your initial query. Agents are human, and it’s human nature to want things that other people have. This is just as true of debut novels as it was of the hottest guy/girl in your high school. If you’ve got an offer of representation from someone, use it to your advantage and follow up with the other agents you’ve queried!

2) if you've gotten word that you have serious interest or an offer from a royalty-paying publisher. This rarely comes up, but as a public service announcement I feel compelled to say it here: Please DON'T query agents and take steps to self-publish your work simultaneously. I think there are great reasons to self-publish, which I'll discuss in a separate post if you are interested, but if you're interested in a so-called "traditional publishing" book deal, self-publishing will really mess up your chances, no matter how fantastic your book is.

3) if you have a personal or professional connection that you didn't mention in your first query. Say you write romance novels and meet Nora Roberts at a writing conference, and she offers to blurb your book. I would very much like to hear about that. But don't hold back that information from your initial query (and don't stalk Nora Roberts!); this applies only if something changes in the interim.

4) if you've been to a conference or otherwise received professional feedback (say, from another agent) and have revised the manuscript accordingly, let me know that too. I don't want to tell you not to revise, but generally speaking it's probably better to leave the work alone during the query process. Work on your next manuscript in the meantime!

5) if I’ve requested a full manuscript from you, and it’s been more than a month since you’ve heard from me. I get swamped with reading sometimes. It’s a lovely problem to have. My current clients always get priority over my prospective clients; if you sign with me, you’ll be glad this is the case! But while I try very hard to keep up with all of it, everyone needs a nudge from time to time. If it’s been a month with no word on your full, go ahead and nudge me. (nicely please.)

6) if you sent your initial query six to eight weeks ago and have not heard anything from me, it's OK to send one follow-up email asking me to confirm receipt/let you know if I am still reviewing the material.

Here are some circumstances under which I do NOT recommend following up with an agent whom you're querying (in no particular order):

1) If you've tweaked the manuscript so that Chapter 2 is now Chapter 3 and Chapter 3 is now Chapter 2, and so-and-so's name has changed. It's unlikely to affect my feelings on the work. If you find that you accidentally sent the wrong attachment, or you forgot to attach it, it's OK to send it again. Mention in the email that this replaces your initial query, and that you do not need an immediate response from me.

2) if it's been less than six to eight weeks (or the ballpark time listed on the agent's website) since your initial query. I try to be quick. It doesn't always happen. If you follow up too quickly or too aggressively, I'm likely to take a quick look at the material and (unless it blows me away) send you a nice "no thanks." My interactions with people during the query process definitely weigh into my decision about whether to offer representation. The writing is paramount, but the quality of the interactions matter too.

3) if you just want to confirm receipt of the query (and it's been less than six to eight weeks with no response). I understand the anxiety of wondering whether something's gone into a black hole, but sometimes this strategy is less about the anxiety and more about trying to forge a connection/force some kind of response out of the agent. Let your work speak for itself. Caveat: If I've requested a full manuscript from you, I don't mind a bit if you want me to confirm receipt of that. Asking in the same email where you send the manuscript as an attachment is ideal.

4) calling the office. If I have not given you my direct line (which I do only if I am seriously pursuing the project/the would-be client), please don't call. In the midst of a busy work day, a cold call from a prospective client feels like a telemarketer phoning on Thanksgiving.

5) adding me to your mailing list under any circumstances. If I want to be on your mailing list for some reason, I'll let you know.

6) if you are re-sending the same query, unless I asked you to, of course. I once received the same query-- I am not making this up-- three hundred and fifty times, often three or four times per day.

7) adding me as a contact on LinkedIn. I'll accept LinkedIn invitations from anyone I know personally, anyone with whom I have worked (as colleagues) at any time, any clients of mine or of my agency's, and anyone with whom I've exchanged emails, say regarding a revision. But lately I've had a slew of LinkedIn invites from prospective clients, and I have to admit I'm a little perplexed at why this is the case. If you're looking to engage me via social media, comment on a blog post or follow me on Twitter; I'd love to talk to you. But I don't get the LinkedIn thing.

On keeping your agent happy:

1) Be polite and professional in your dealings with me, with my agency's employees, and with anyone and everyone at your publishing house.

2) Make your deadlines. If you can't keep to the schedule we've discussed, let me (and your editor, if applicable) know as soon as possible.

3) Keep me posted on what's going on-- personally as well as professionally, as needed. I've mentioned before that I love it when my clients let me know if they're going to be away or unavailable for a few days, especially if they are waiting on me for something.

4) Write fantastic books.

5) Write fantastic books.

6) Write fantastic books.